In her shoes -- Mackenzie and compassion

Did you ever look back over your adolescent and early adulthood years and cringe at some of the things you did, wondering how you were lucky enough to escape harm, addiction, or worse? The brain at that age, not being fully developed, goes through some challenging changes. If we were lucky enough to grow up with a stable family, good role models and good in health, then we hopefully weathered our vulnerability and Erikson’s theoretical “struggle” between finding our identity and dealing with confusion over our role in whatever society in which we happen to be living.

I grew up with in one of those “not-so-functional” family units. I watched my father deal with alcohol and drug addiction, gambling debts, depression… But he was my father. I needed his love and approval. Being raised as an only child, my parents were all I had. Without them, I would have disappeared… faded into nothingness…. at least that was my perception.

We often learn at an early age that the one way to fight loneliness and abandonment is to work as hard as we can to please the significant people in our lives. If we are good girls and boys, we want to believe that they will always be there; that they won’t leave us. We also trust them. After all, we have to learn how to navigate in this world, and where else does it start? If they tell us this is how life is supposed to be, until we mature enough to begin separating ourselves from their influence, we believe them. We have to. How else can an immature mind function?

I am so fortunate that I never had to experience sexual abuse from someone who had influence over me. I know with all my heart that, if something like that had happened, I would never have known what to do with it. If it were an authority figure, I’m sure I would have obeyed and accepted their direction because they were the adult and I was supposed to love them... please them... seek their approval. I also know that I would have felt incredible shame, but I might not have been able to understand where that shame came from. I probably would have somehow blamed myself.

I’ve been studying psychiatric nursing, and have learned very quickly, that these types of bruises run deep. In fact, they are often so deep we can’t always even consciously identify them. They just manifest themselves through the way we behave in the context of the world we have been given; through our choices. Once we do “come to grips” with our pain, the only way healing can truly begin is to express that pain. Talk about it. Get it out. Its called catharsis.

The media has been buzzing this week about the decision a former child actor made to openly discuss her very personal, tragic exposure at a young age to drug addiction and sexual abuse. Discussions abound, speculating as to whether she “consented”, whether she created it from her own drug affected memory or if she is just plain lying or seeking attention. Credible people have come forward supporting and validating her story; others have denied that it could have ever been possible.

It is very easy in our society to judge other people based on a comparison to our own personal experiences and belief systems. Many people, for instance, contend that drug addiction is a choice. “They shouldn’t have done it to begin with.” Well, to them I say, look back over your own childhood. Did you never make a choice when you were young that, now you realize could have destroyed your life? Whether it was your own experimentation with drugs in order to “fit in” or deaden emotional pain; your decision to ride with another teenager who was high and driving a car; your own decision to dive off of a bridge because the others were doing it or daring you…. Did you ever do anything risky? Now, ask yourself, whatever it was you did, what would your life have been like if you had that addictive gene or your own parents were encouraging you to follow their own path of addiction? Or, what if your drunk friend lost control of the car and you smashed into an embankment causing severe brain trauma? What if your dive left you with a spinal cord injury and paralysis? It could have happened. It could have been you. And, it all started with a “choice” made by an infallible teenager.

Yes, Mackenzie who grew up in a drug-influenced culture developed addictions at an early, vulnerable age. Yes, others have been raised in the same situation and didn’t. But, the human spirit is as complex as our biology. We are all different in how we think, view ourselves…cope. We can’t go through life weighing everyone else’s path against ours and assume they should have reacted in exactly the same way. That is narrow and not real.

My heart goes out to this strong, brave woman who, through her own healing, has opened this discussion among so many people. Many say she is helping create an opening for them to confront their past and talk about it. That’s wonderful. Something good can come out of any situation if we recognize the potential. But, even beyond that, I wonder if she isn’t also teaching us a lot about ourselves…. our need to start practicing empathy and compassion and not being so quick to judge others when we really don’t know what it is like to walk in her shoes? And, to realize that maybe there is a little of Mackenzie in all of us?

You might wonder what this has to do with my theme of mindfulness. Well, the more I’m learning to stop listening to all the “chatter” and start listening more to myself, it is becoming evident to me that there are many other ways to think about every situation we encounter in life. Instead of humans determining what they think is right or wrong for everyone else, we should spend more time trying to develop our own sense of right or wrong based on that power that lives within each of us. You know, the one that comes from a place of love and connection? God? After all, underneath our socially constructed personas, aren’t we are all just fragile spirits trying to make our way, using whatever tools we have, in the best way we know how?

Thank you, Mackenzie.