Okay, I have been really honest about being new at this "being in the moment" stuff and that I have a long way to go. Yesterday was a very good example of just how much I really do need to work on this.
First day of classes for my psych nursing. Whether you are crazy enough to be back in school like I am at fif-- (well you get the picture) or its been many years since you smelled the aroma of chalk and leather binding, you probably remember that pseudo excitement one often feels the first day of the semester. Yes, there is always that little part of you whose gastrointestinal tract jiggles and just quivers with joy at the thought of facing exams, deadlines, etc. after a few weeks of brainrest. But for the most part, it is kind of exciting starting anew. The beginning of a semester to me is like being given a clean white canvas on which you have the opportunity to create a new masterpiece. Its like being able to "try one more time, only this time around I won't..."
Anyway, new pens and highlighters in hand (and my ritual cup of Dunkin') in the other, I set out to attend my first lecture/orientation to learn about psychiatric nursing in lecture hall 8-100 our quaint little local community college. As I drove (I had put down the coffee, pens and highlighters/not to worry) I was in the past remembering those leisurely drives on the expressway of last spring as I gently sailed to campus to attend my late afternoon lectures and conferences that I had opted for in lieu of the normal morning class schedules. I would make my way onto campus, ease into one of my favorite parking spaces and with my rolling book bag, saunter my way into the nursing center, prepared for an interesting, invigorating lecture or clinical conference. Yes, it would be nice to get back into the swing. And besides, I thought to myself, now that I have worked so hard on centering and being in the moment, it will be an even more enlightening experience to soak in these new gems of academic bliss.
And then I got off the exit. Or, should I say, got in line to get off the exit. Wow. More traffic than I had seen in quite a while (at least since my trip to Manhatten a few weeks ago.) Anyway, I put on my favorite Coffeehouse Sirius station, sipped my coffee and waited. Five minutes later I looked in my mirror and realized that I was seeing the same scene only about ten feet further from where I had the last time. I finished my coffee and... creeped a few feet and then...waited some more.
Finally, I was exiting the offramp and pulling onto the main road on which the college presides. Gee, I always leave early but the clock was staring to tick in my (unmindful at that point) brain. Could I actually be late for my first lecture? That's just not allowed in the nursing program. Unacceptable. It just doesn't happen. Or does it? My mind raced as I played the scenario in my head. I saw myself walking into this huge lecture hall, everyone staring as I interupted the professor, no, actually, someone would be standing there with a folder with my name on it-- actually, they would probably have campus security on hand to walk me out of the nursing department. Oh, my career is over. I knew I shouldn't have tried doing this. What will I tell my husband? Kids? What will happen to the rest of my life? Who will pay for my rent at the nursing home when I get there????
Twenty minutes later, I was circling the fourth parking lot looking for a place to park. All but one lot was left without a "FULL" sign posted at the entrance, but given the volume of kindred souls seeking rest for their weary oil dependent chariots, I was not hopeful. At one point I spotted an opening in another row. As I scurried to the end of the parking lot and did a "U- ey" into the next row, a child who couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 years of age driving his father's pick up truck cut me off and spun into the space, subwoofers thumping and vibrating so loudly I was afraid my bifocals would soon shatter. Rats.
More driving around. Finally, there it was. A lone little space probably left open because of the crafty parking job of one little Ford Focus who was just over the line oh-so-slightly. Well, it was worth a try. I squeezed into the space, barely touching on either side. As I slowly opened my door, cupping the edge in my hand so I wouldn't dent the Focus, I eased my not-so-tiny middle aged body out of my not-so-big fuel economy compact, and at last, I was free from the bondage of my campus commute. As I looked across the parking lots, I regretted not having my binochulars with me as I was very curious to know if the shadows off in the distance were actually the college campas or a mirage of some sort.
Before wearing out the soles of my Skechers, I finally made it to the door of Building number 5. I was elated to know that I only had to walk through three buildings to get to my lecture. Because I had left so early, I was still on time and might even be able to meet up with some of the other students in the nursing lounge. What more could one ask for? So, I started the trek.
The drumming in the distance was faint at first as I tried to distinuish it from the loud chorus of jungle sounds that engulfed the trail leading to the nursing department. As I made my way through the foliage of bulletin boards, roped signs and hall monitors directing new (and maybe some not-so-new students) to their huts, I could see the raw activity taking place as the creatures swung from overhead light to light, slithered and scampered in between slower moving life forms and the overwhelming sounds of chattering into little boxes being held next to the ears of many of these overly stimulated creatures. I tried to be mindful. I really did. But then the stimulation became more and more overwhelming, escalating to such a loud culmination of noise and activity that I felt a climax of some sort approaching. Grabbing my head in my hands and looking up into the flouresecent lights, I found, deep within the recesses of my mind, my own voice audible only to myself screaming at a very high decible..... Quiet down and go do your homework!!!!
Pause.
Well, the noise and activity didn't slow down but I sure felt a lot better from the release.
Okay. So yesterday was not a good example of my minfulness. I admit it. I lost it. But fortunately, only I was aware of the tulmultuous, racing thoughts inside my poor head as I finally reached my destination and sunk into the solitude of a quiet, composed lecture hall. (Did I contribute to producing a jungle like atmosphere like that when I was 18? -- probably) The problem is, I'm not 18 anymore. I'm just saying..
Today I am starting over again. Like a clear, white canvas waiting to accept its new creation, I will again find a way to quiet my mind, focus, and enjoy the moment at hand.
If you ever watch a toddler learning to walk, he rarely ever just gets up and goes. He takes a few steps, falls down, and then picks himself back up and tries again. Eventually, he learns how to run. If, when he fell he was too afriad to try again and just stayed there, we'd all be scooting around on our behinds instead of walking upright.
Well, I'm viewing my quest for finding inner peace to be the same way. This was one tumble and there will be many more. But, I refuse to scoot around on my derrier because of one lapse. Tomorrow I go to campus again. This time I will come prepared. No, not with Xanax, but with a full tank of gas, an earlier start, a larger cup of coffee and some positive thoughts. Every moment has something to offer. I'm sure this one will, too.
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